Monday, February 23, 2009

Martin Landau, you're in BIG trouble!

Well, we've gone and done it again. We've schmutzed up the oceans, the land and the air and now we've achieved human kind's greatest accomplishment: Space Pollution. It's no surprise, but I'm still stunned that for as much as we talk about fixing the problems of our ignorant past, we're making exactly the same problems all over again. It's not like we don't have fair warning either. In 1975 ITC made it abundantly clear that if we load up space (in this case our moon) with garbage (radioactive waste) it's only a matter of time before some drunk space redneck crashes a ship into it propelling the moon on a madcap race though the galaxy full of adventure and wonderment.

What they failed to illustrate in this awesome show was that the people Martin Landau and Barbara Bain left behind, here on earth, were not only probably much more attractive people, but doomed to extinction. I bet the moon's good for a lot more than just regulating menstrual cycles and tides. The moon does all sorts of good stuff. Turning humans into werewolves, if they're so inclined, and more importantly giving us an already too short 24 hour day. Without the moon to help slow us down who knows how fast we may go? The gravitational pull of the moon getting ripped out of orbit may send us on a crazy orbit with effects we can only guess at. Well, only I can guess at. Katrin, if you're reading this could you write a physics simulation on what would happen if an Eagle space craft smashed into a radioactive dump on the moon? Thanks!

Whatever the results of actual scientific exploration on this topic may be, I'm going to cut to the chase and say it'll suck. Surely if an explosion would be strong enough to propel the moon through 2 and a half seasons of adventure would scatter debris the size of a Buick around space and some of those chunks would smash into us and there would be nothing that Bruce Willis could do about it.

So. We should already know that garbage in space is bad. We were clearly showed this in the 70 at a time when people used slide rules to figure out stuff and men wore mustaches. Yet here we are fucking it up. What the hell is wrong with us? When I'm king I will not stand for space pollution! I'm already working on a commercial that will depict a wise alien watching China blow up a satellite with a missile. The alien will turn orange, but they'll be subtitles letting us know that that's how beings from their planet show sadness due to lack of anything like tear ducts.

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