Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You'd better be on your best behavior!

Dear King Mark,
Can you PLEASE outlaw weird downstairs neighbors killing roosters for dinner in my backyard?

If I had a dime every time I heard that phrase I'd have enough money to feed the meter in San Francisco for at least 20 minutes. It does bring up a few good points, the first being I probably would not have to change a law at all. I'd just have to enforce laws we currently have on the books. This begs the question, "What the hell are our police doing?" They're collecting taxes via tickets, that's what. Coming over to stop your neighbors from having a home slaughter house costs them money. No real motivation to do it. Same holds true if your car is stolen. "We don't have the manpower to find your car." What that really means is, "We're so busy ticketing cars for being in a parking space for 62 minutes that we couldn't possibly be bothered dealing with your pain in the ass crime that will have no net monetary gain for us."

When I'm king all the meter maids will be recommissioned to look for stolen cars. If they get called by someone who's mad that a car has been taking up a spot all day, sure write a ticket. To dedicate a force of people just for this is really just a way get some extra cash out of people. I think a bit more of my subjects to subject them to that kind of petty crap. I remember the time my friend's car was stolen and the way she found it was she started getting notices that it was parked illegally. Hilarious! In today's world a car that's obviously abandoned can only be ticketed? Can't be bothered to run its plates to see if it's been stolen? Oddly the money that citizens pay for that parking ticket may have gone to a small business and stimulated the economy. WOAH! I just figured out a way to stimulate the economy without raising taxes or spending more money!

(note: The Emeryville Police have been super good so far. They're quick to respond and they seem to have little care for hassling the people of Emeryville.)

Now, there are those that will say, "But King Mark, those people slaughtering livestock in their back yard are just preserving their culture!" Well, when I'm king the free pass for bad behavior posing as "culture" will be OVER. Hey Muslims, like to treat your women like crap? Get the hell out. Catholics, can't take the idea of same sex marriage? TOO BAD. Mexicans, want to fight cocks in your back yard? BYE-BYE. Japanese, want to buy dirty panties from vending machines? WELL... uh... whaaa? Huh. OK, I'll give you a pass on that because I like watching Super Milk Chan and Sony products.

Anyway, Marklandia will be a melting pot, but it will only use the best ingredients. If you left your country because it's crappy but then brought all your crappy behavior here you can just get right back on that boat because I demand we all be on our best behavior WHEN I AM KING.

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