Thursday, February 26, 2009

Photograph,,, I don't want your...

On the way to work this morning I heard something that made my little cold heart melt. Obama lifted the ban on publishing photographs of those killed in war.

This is exactly why I said, and still say, that when I'm king Obama will still be president. It might seem a minor thing, but this kind of transparency is what this little country is supposed to be based on. Let freedom fucking ring. I don't think we should know everything about matters of national security. That would stymie any law enforcement. Just look at all the crap Jack Bauer has to go though in a single day. But Bush's ban on telling the public anything that did not support his tyranny is not how I'll run things WHEN I AM KING. Good job, B.O. Just for that you get an automatic pardon for your first sexual transgression while president. Just try and keep it on the D.L.

This type of reporting will be especially important in the future. Even now we've got guys with XBOX controllers piloting drones with the firepower of The Battlestar Galactica. We're so far removed from war that it's becoming like a friendly session of Call of Duty. I've never been hit with a bullet, but I imagine it hurts a lot more than the XBOX's rumble feedback and the penalty isn't you just end up slightly earlier in time. I bet it sucks hard.

So not only will families of those killed in battle get extra compensation for allowing their loved ones to be photographed for news purposes, wounded will also get extra compensation for this type of open communication about the suckiness of war. Your king's web page will feature those photographs prominently on the home page each day a conflict goes on. Not only so we can see what's happening to our people, but so that everyone can see what happens when you use a laser guided missile to remove people who are seriously considering weapons of mass destruction. Yeah, I know I may have one hell of an ugly web page, but isn't that a little incentive?

P.S. during times of peace the official king's web page will depict baby bunnies and videos from this web page.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stop and smell my wrath!

One of my first decrees I'll be making as king will be a simple one, but I hope will have very far reaching effects: GET A MOVE ON! That's right slow people. Your days are numbered. If you're reading this and don't think that you're slow, here are a few simple techniques to see if you have this horrible disorder. Do you often hear the sound of sighs coming from behind you? Are they often accompanied by muttering under breath "Oh... come... on..." Is there someone on the highway behind you that's up your ass with their brights on? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you, in fact, may be slow.

Just stop right there if you're going to tell me I need to slow down and smell the roses. This is precisely why I'm making dawdling and lallygagging and meandering against the law. I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME LEFT TO SMELL ANY FLOWERS BECAUSE I JUST SPENT A HALF HOUR BEHIND YOU AT WALGREENS WHILE YOU PONDERED KOOL MENTHOLS.

This isn't about not taking quality time, this is about putting a little hustle in your step when you are doing horrible mundane things like buying toilet paper and commuting to work. Think about it. We're only here for a short time. The more of it we spend doing fun and relaxing stuff the better. No? Trust me slow people, this is for your own good. You're really not having fun that extra 20 minutes in your car because you're driving 48 mph. Shuffling across a crosswalk like a turtle on methadone can't be something you enjoy devoting time to, yet you do it. Perhaps you're avoiding something you don't like, such as your job. Then think about this: Maybe if you showed up to work a little early and did your work a little quicker, you'd get promoted to a position that's got more pay and vacation time. You might even enjoy the job more!

So, I propose that we stop pulling people over for speeding (unless they're driving like an idiot) and start pulling people over for slowing. Just read that word "slowing." Hurts to say! Regardless if you're in a car or blocking my access to Wired magazine at the book store because you think it's OK to read the entire issue of Ped-a-cute monthly while you stand there, prepare to face stiff fines and jail time if you do not start burning a little flip-flop.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Martin Landau, you're in BIG trouble!

Well, we've gone and done it again. We've schmutzed up the oceans, the land and the air and now we've achieved human kind's greatest accomplishment: Space Pollution. It's no surprise, but I'm still stunned that for as much as we talk about fixing the problems of our ignorant past, we're making exactly the same problems all over again. It's not like we don't have fair warning either. In 1975 ITC made it abundantly clear that if we load up space (in this case our moon) with garbage (radioactive waste) it's only a matter of time before some drunk space redneck crashes a ship into it propelling the moon on a madcap race though the galaxy full of adventure and wonderment.

What they failed to illustrate in this awesome show was that the people Martin Landau and Barbara Bain left behind, here on earth, were not only probably much more attractive people, but doomed to extinction. I bet the moon's good for a lot more than just regulating menstrual cycles and tides. The moon does all sorts of good stuff. Turning humans into werewolves, if they're so inclined, and more importantly giving us an already too short 24 hour day. Without the moon to help slow us down who knows how fast we may go? The gravitational pull of the moon getting ripped out of orbit may send us on a crazy orbit with effects we can only guess at. Well, only I can guess at. Katrin, if you're reading this could you write a physics simulation on what would happen if an Eagle space craft smashed into a radioactive dump on the moon? Thanks!

Whatever the results of actual scientific exploration on this topic may be, I'm going to cut to the chase and say it'll suck. Surely if an explosion would be strong enough to propel the moon through 2 and a half seasons of adventure would scatter debris the size of a Buick around space and some of those chunks would smash into us and there would be nothing that Bruce Willis could do about it.

So. We should already know that garbage in space is bad. We were clearly showed this in the 70 at a time when people used slide rules to figure out stuff and men wore mustaches. Yet here we are fucking it up. What the hell is wrong with us? When I'm king I will not stand for space pollution! I'm already working on a commercial that will depict a wise alien watching China blow up a satellite with a missile. The alien will turn orange, but they'll be subtitles letting us know that that's how beings from their planet show sadness due to lack of anything like tear ducts.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Phasers on KILL!

Many of you have probably figured out by now that I've got a soft spot in my heart for THE FUTURE. I've been obsessed with it ever since I was a baby. My mom says one of my first words was "spaceman." I could never get enough. Star Trek, Lost In Space, Battlestar Galactica, Space 1999, etc. If there were aliens or robots to befriend/defeat, I'm in.

This is why I'm currently so distressed. It's a solid decade after John Koenig and his pals got their moon base blasted out of orbit on a madcap'd romp around the galaxy and this happens.

HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE FUTURE IF WE CAN'T EVEN UPGRADE OUR TV!? I've been hearing about the change from analog to digital broadcast for years now and I don't even have an antenna for my TV. How the hell can so many be unable to figure this simple thing out. More importantly: why do we care?

Broadcast TV is a pretty simple business model. You get it for free in exchange for being force fed commercials of how you can get your whites whiter and that the break you so rightfully deserve will involve meat from cows that spend their entire adult life in a 3 by 6 pen standing in their own shit. Easy! This is why I have a hard time believing that someone with the capability of using Tide and a McDonald's drive though can not figure out how to get a simple converter box for their TV set. I'll venture to say that the people who are unable to figure this out don't deserve to see network TV. Why? Because they are holding me back from living in the FUTURE. These are the same people who probably have rotary phones and cars that need leaded gas. They're voting against stem cell research and are probably angry that we've got a black guy in the white house. Scratch that... these people aren't voting at all. That requires effort.

Many say in jest, "Where is my flying car?" "Where is my jetpack?" Why no robots?" I'll tell you why. It's because every time we try and make an incremental change we've got ma and pa Kettle sitting on their porch yelling about the good old days. You know those days! The ones where your kids were crippled because they couldn't get enough vitamin D. Now we live in a world deprived of the cuteness of the rickets sufferer!

When I'm king there will be no pity for these people. They would have woken up on the analog TV cut off date with a TV screen full of snow. They may even have to deal with no TV for weeks until they can figure out how to go to Best Buy and get one. Many will call me cruel, but I think of it as tough love. If they don't learn that they're going to have to be on their toes about such developments they're going to have an awfully hard time the day the Machine show up to connect them to the Matrix.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Love, love, love...

So, yesterday I was listening to the Valentine's Day edition of This American Life. It was super awesome, as usual, regaling me with bittersweet tales of unrequited love, transgendered children and the grim reality that no matter how your love starts, sometimes is is going to be a grind. I felt super good about myself afterward as I am deeply in love with your queen to be, and she loves me. Our relationship is in no way a grind and we're both firmly heterosexual... well except my wife watches the L Word with an interest that I reserve for shows that depict robots taking their revenge on mankind. I think I have a fairly good chance that my queen-to-be will not become a lesbian and my Roomba won't go on a murderous rage and try and kill me. (even though both of those things are kind of hot)

Anyway, we had an awesome Valentine's day. Not the kind of text book perfect Valentine's day depicted on the front of Hallmark cards, but actually a lot better. I got a homemade card with a robot and Cake tickets! We celebrated our good friend's birthday at a really good mexican restaurant and even got to be a witness of the family type of love that's equally important in the whole Valentine's Day scheme. It was a day of LOVE!

This is why when I'm king I will be banning Valentine's Day.

Yup. BANNED. Why? Because Valentine's is really a horrible holiday. Every other holiday is for anyone who drinks the Kool-Aid. Want presents under a tree? Just say you believe that a woman got knocked up without ever having sex. Want a Chocolate Bunny? Just believe that woman's child got killed and then rose from the dead a few days later. Want presents for 8 solid days? Believe that child never really existed. Easy!

But Valentine's day is totally different. You can 100% believe in love and have absolutly no one give you a card or box of See's Candy. You can want to be loved more than anything else and not have a single person give you one of those Nekko hearts that says, "Hubba Hubba." It plain and simply just is not fair. Yes, I had a great Valentine's day THIS TIME, but what about the time I got my kindergarten sweet-heart as special card (all the other kids got the standard generic bulk pack cards) only to get NOTHING back from her? What about the next 12 Valentine's days, where you might as well have just mailed me a card that said, "You're unloveable zitface." What kind of a crappy holiday is this? The only people who really are guarenteed to have a good Valentine's day are the florests.

You're probably thinking, "But king Mark, will your kingdom be one without love, as if based on a Tim Burton movie?" NO! My kingdom will be all about love! Public schools will all have condom machines in every classroom! Religioius bigotry will be banned so all people can enjoy relationships regardless of race, or sexual orientation. It's going to be great...

...maybe I won't have to ban Valentine's say. Maybe I can go another route. Make it more like Christmas with days off and presents. Tell children that Cupid will come and shoot them with magic arrows and other such tales. Make it a holiday where public kissing is all the rage (unless you're having a herpies outbreak) A parade where porn stars ride on floats naked! This way, even if you don't have a romantic love going on, at least you'll have a day off with free porn, and that's something.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eight is too much!

One thing that's nice about humans is that crazy and scientist usually don't go together. Hollywood would like you to think that there are a bunch of mad scientist running around, but in truth, it takes a lot of mental rigor to be a good scientist and being bat shit crazy is very detracting.

Trust me, I know.

However, sometimes a perfect storm of retardation happens and the scientist hooks up with the bat shit crazy person.

Hitler had his Dr. Josef Mengele and I guess Suleman has her Dr. Michael Kamrava. You've heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" but then what does it take to raise a village of children? When I do the math the answer I get is a city of people. Suleman is a single mother who's lived on disability since 2004 and already had 6 artificially induced children when she heaped on 8 more. My guess is the city of people she'll need to take care of her 14 children are us.

But surprisingly, I'm not all that mad at Suleman. She's insane and it's really not her fault. Just like I'm mad at the rabies bacteria and not cute little Cujo, I hate the game, not the playah. Who knows what trauma Miss McCrazington went though that made her think it was a good idea to risk her life having 8 embryos implanted.

When I'm king, the moment a woman said, "I haven't been able to keep a long term relationship going and I'm incapable of working, but I'm willing to risk my life to produce octuplets" a 911 call will be made and the proper mental health workers will be deployed.  5150 her ass. Instead we do nothing and instead interview the woman. Now she's a minor celebrity. What about "risk to yourself or others" is unclear to the authorities?  Is everyone asleep?

So, while Suleman was getting the proper healthcare she so desperately needs (not for her back, which was the reason for her disability), Dr. Kamrava will be sentenced to life without parole. The end.  Oh yeah, as part of his life sentence I will have a plastic surgeon implant the total weight of the octuplets (and placenta) into his gut so he will carry that weight for the remainder of his days.   Boobs too.  Big ones.  At least an E cup. If the technology exists they will have milk receptacles installed in them and he will have to nurse any fellow inmate who asks. 

I love science. I love scientists. I will funnel so much money into stem cell research Bush's head will explode (*if he actually cared and wasn't just pandering to religious nut jobs). It would probably even make Obama woosey. I wouldn't stop until there was a bubbling vat full of organs with my DNA in them. There would be no reason that a couple (same sex included) would have to go childless in my kingdom... but if you're a single person on disability for a fake back injury and you think it's a good idea to raise her brood on our dime you will be promptly locked up until a team of board certified psychologists deem you ready to return to society. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You'd better be on your best behavior!

Dear King Mark,
Can you PLEASE outlaw weird downstairs neighbors killing roosters for dinner in my backyard?

If I had a dime every time I heard that phrase I'd have enough money to feed the meter in San Francisco for at least 20 minutes. It does bring up a few good points, the first being I probably would not have to change a law at all. I'd just have to enforce laws we currently have on the books. This begs the question, "What the hell are our police doing?" They're collecting taxes via tickets, that's what. Coming over to stop your neighbors from having a home slaughter house costs them money. No real motivation to do it. Same holds true if your car is stolen. "We don't have the manpower to find your car." What that really means is, "We're so busy ticketing cars for being in a parking space for 62 minutes that we couldn't possibly be bothered dealing with your pain in the ass crime that will have no net monetary gain for us."

When I'm king all the meter maids will be recommissioned to look for stolen cars. If they get called by someone who's mad that a car has been taking up a spot all day, sure write a ticket. To dedicate a force of people just for this is really just a way get some extra cash out of people. I think a bit more of my subjects to subject them to that kind of petty crap. I remember the time my friend's car was stolen and the way she found it was she started getting notices that it was parked illegally. Hilarious! In today's world a car that's obviously abandoned can only be ticketed? Can't be bothered to run its plates to see if it's been stolen? Oddly the money that citizens pay for that parking ticket may have gone to a small business and stimulated the economy. WOAH! I just figured out a way to stimulate the economy without raising taxes or spending more money!

(note: The Emeryville Police have been super good so far. They're quick to respond and they seem to have little care for hassling the people of Emeryville.)

Now, there are those that will say, "But King Mark, those people slaughtering livestock in their back yard are just preserving their culture!" Well, when I'm king the free pass for bad behavior posing as "culture" will be OVER. Hey Muslims, like to treat your women like crap? Get the hell out. Catholics, can't take the idea of same sex marriage? TOO BAD. Mexicans, want to fight cocks in your back yard? BYE-BYE. Japanese, want to buy dirty panties from vending machines? WELL... uh... whaaa? Huh. OK, I'll give you a pass on that because I like watching Super Milk Chan and Sony products.

Anyway, Marklandia will be a melting pot, but it will only use the best ingredients. If you left your country because it's crappy but then brought all your crappy behavior here you can just get right back on that boat because I demand we all be on our best behavior WHEN I AM KING.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Billy, don't be a hero!

You know what today is? Garbage day! But now garbage day is a lot different than it was when I was a child. Back in the day, garbage was garbage and recycling wasn't something that got picked up, but something that you brought to someone else... and they gave you cash for it!

I guess it kind of works like that now... except you don't get the cash. The homeless guy who goes though your recycling making a mess tossing bits around to find the juicy nuggets, gets the money. Like the good citizens they are they take that money and spend it on drugs and lessons on how to curse at invisible people and poop yourself.

I'm going to keep it short today, but here it is (ye) When I am king it will be illegal to go though people's garbage or recycling. It will be illegal to have a shopping cart to.. just like now! Except when I'm king that cop that's pulling you over for doing a rolling right when no one is around won't be pulling you over, they'll be arresting people for stealing shopping carts.

I know this all sounds draconian, and maybe it is, but I'm sick of it. When I didn't have money for drugs I did what every kid would do, I got a paper route. I even walked it and made sure all the papers when in mailboxes. I'd collect my $1.35 a week and with my cut I'd buy Tastey Kakes French Apple Pies (west coast, you don't known what you're missing) Cherry Slurpees and LSD. The point is, I wasn't a mentally ill person (except for the times I was tripping) who hadn't showered since Carter was president pushing around a shopping cart though quite neighborhoods at 6:00 AM. It's so damn depressing.

Also, when I'm king there won't be any homeless. Does anyone believe that the homeless people wandering around are just down on their luck? If you're angry at me now, please read this.

Are you back yet? I lived near NYC though that controversy and here we are 20 plus years later still at the same place. Billy just wanted the right to act bat shit crazy on the streets of NYC, that's all. How dare we lock her up for her life choices! HOW DARE WE!?

Well I dare. Reagan thought it was a great idea to empty the mental health facilities here in California. Way to go Gipper. Why weren't we outraged? These people aren't bad, and they're not eccentric hobos of the depression era. They are mentally ill citizens of the richest country of the world and we're pretending to grant them liberties so we can use the money it takes to properly care for them on secret government departments who are developing superhuman soldiers. I'm not calling for Victorian asylums. My guess is that with the money we get from all the bottle deposits they're stealing we can afford decent hospitals like the one that Hurley goes to when he's feeling a bit off. We are letting people who need help the most down. When I'm king, this will not do.

Monday, February 9, 2009

The end of slavery!

So, we ended slavery in this country. Good for us! We even gave those slaves the right to vote (...eventually). Now look at us! We elected a black guy (I'll change when you do, BET!) president! (not a decedent of any domestic slaves though) AWESOME. How the hell can we possibly pat ourselves on the back enough? Our arms and shoulders won't be able to withstand the punishment that that the kind of back patting needs! Nay! I say DEMANDS!

Well, I have some bad news. It's all a LIE! A sweet, sweet lie! We didn't end slavery. We EXPORTED IT. It got a little too gross to see in our own back yard, what with the whipping and the chopping off of the toes, so we shipped it off to Asia and south of our boarders. When we feel magnanimous (and lazy), we let some sneak back in to take care of the work that "Americans won't do."

Who says? Do other races have less inherent dislike for menial labor? I've had jobs washing dishes, frying chicken and doing general construction labor. Is it because I'm part Italian? No one would say that because that's racist.

Well when I'm king racism like this will be OVER. We've got plenty of uneducated people of all ethnicities right here that are prime candidates for crappy jobs... but wait...

Are those jobs actually crappy? Or do the people who do them just get crappy money?

I actually had some fun flick'n chicken for the man. There's nothing really wrong with a simple job that doesn't require much brain power. You don't take that work home with you, that's for sure. In Japan I saw lots of fast food workers and they seemed proud of their work no matter what they were doing. The only bad part was I made $3.35 an hour doing it... oh and the fact that your hair smells like the Colonel's secret recipe even after a good shower. Many yell, "If they paid workers more the business would not be viable!" To those people I yell back, "Fuck you, jerks!"

We have a system that makes sure wages are low, not so a business is viable or even profitable, but so that some shareholder's stock value will remain high and yield a good dividend. What will they do with that dividend money? They'll have illegal immigrants build them an addition to their homes and pay them $5 an hour to do it. They will then furnish those homes with things made in Chinese sweat shops to people who make $5 a month. Then, to wrap it all up, they will complain that they're taxes are too high because they have to pay welfare and unemployment benefits.

Am I the only person who finds this totally idiotic?

Many will call me a protectionist, but to them I say "screw you." I'm da king! It's the job of a king to protect his people! I won't do it by things like willy nilly tax benefits to companies in my kingdom, I'll do it by making people all over the world free again. Want to trade with Markolia? Then your companies will have to provide their workers with a standard of life that allows them to live and work with dignity. I'll have really smart people (if you're reading this you may be one!) police companies like Nike to make sure that all workers conform to what I'll call my USI. (Universal Standard of Living). This will make imported goods more expensive, because shipping isn't free, but that's OK because people working for Nike may now be able to afford to buy the shoes they make. Wait, what will happen if they can use the stuff they're making? We may have to actually make our own!

When the dust settles (and there's always dust) The only people who'll be worse off are the 19 super wealthy guys running the conglomerates. They'll still be rich, just not as rich. Maybe just very well off. I don't want to remove incentive for people to start business, in fact, if they know they won't get trampled by a deluge of cheap foreign imports a lot more people will start their own business. The idea isn't to stop people from being able to become super rich, it's to create an environment where more people can become somewhat rich and most people can afford to feed themselves and see a movie from time to time. Oh, and if you start complaining about the lack of inexpensive animatronic Big Mouth Billy Bass wall plaques that sing "Don't Worry Be Happy." I'm going to smack you.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Six Million Dollar Man!

When I'm king, I'm pretty sure I'm going to move into the house that they used as Tony Stark's house in Iron Man. I know all the robotics and computer stuff is fake, but I'll have it made for me. I'll spare no expense! We need to start living in the future, god damn it! If it turns out to be impossible, I'll hire a full time person to pretend they're a computer so I can say into any room, "What's the average weight of an Ostrich?" The person, in a secret room somewhere with an Internet connection and a vocoder will reply, "250 standard American Pounds your highness." I'll have the house moved to the San Francisco Bay area. Maybe Marin. Our friends are here. What can I say?

Regardless of where the palace ends up, there sure won't be this <--in front of it This abomination is what's often parked in front of where I live now. Interestingly, it's owned by an adult. Another point of interest is, this adult has 2 of them with slightly different graphics. (one has an evil jester on the tailgate proclaiming that he likes to kill children) The most interesting fact of all is that this adult keeps their normal car in their garage and parks these beauties around the corner from his home next to mine. If you're wondering if I fantasize about using my stomach acid to remove the vinyl graphics by continuously vomiting on these vehicles, the answer is yes, I do every single day of my life. So when I'm king, what shall I do? Well I want to state right off that his has nothing to do with my childhood obsession with the real Lee Majors, aka The Six Million Dollar Man. Nor does it have anything to do with an anti rap music stance. I enjoy a little ol' school Fat Boys or Chuck D. as much as the next guy. What this has to do with is the uglification of our world, and I'm taking a hard stance against it. WHEN I AM KING ALL VEHICLE ADVERTISING OF ANY KIND WILL BE BANNED. I'll only make exceptions for blimps (which are super cool and will be called zeppelins in my kingdom) and small 1"x1" company logos on commercial vehicles.

Places already have regulations about where you can or can't put billboards, why the hell can anyone slap some vinyl covering on their crappy truck and become a billboard that goes anywhere? Does Lee think that someone is going to look at that truck and go run to his myspace page and start listening to his music? Oh shit! I did! Hey Lee: why not put energy in actually getting better at what you do instead of thinking that coating a truck with orange vinyl will bring you some degree of fame?

Trust me, I love a good advertisement. I still quote my favorites from my youth. "Thanks for the gumball Mickey!" But isn't TV, movies (oh wait, I'm going to ban pre movie ads as well), Internet banners, product placement and sport arenas enough? I think YES.

I will also have my scientists create a bionic bigfoot with a good design detection algorithm built in to wander my kingdom and make sure that horrifically ugly graphic design never reaches the public eye. Forget to adjust the kerning on your logotype and you'll find his cybernetic big foot up your ass. Some may say I'm censoring free speech, but so be it. In the end I think we'll all be a lot better off not being reminded how good Red Bull is every time we see a Mini Cooper.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

What say ye?

I just wanted to take a short moment and say how great every one's been so far with the Facebook posts and the feedback. I'm having a blast writing this and if you click on "follow this blog" there will be a position of note for you in my kingdom. If you comment, there may be some land in your future! I was hoping to get a bit of a dialog going on some of these topics, but i need the help of my people. So listen to that town crier when he says, "Hear ye, hear ye, what say ye?" How can I be a good king if I'm blind to the plights of my people?!

So if you have a topic, pet peeve or thoughts in general, comment! It's easy, fun and will make you part of the Web 2.0! Remember, every time we don't communicate via technology Marshall McLuhan cries.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

It's all too much...

My kingdom-to-be is far too cluttered. Not only with the never ending pallets of junk brought over from China to be sold at Walgreen's, discarded as trash or donated to thrift stores, but with media. There are far too many movies, tv shows, songs, pod casts, blogs, and web sites (especially social networking sites) to keep track of. Thank god for the last writer's strike we had, or I would have never caught up on Lost! How the hell am I going to keep up with the rascally antics of John Locke when JJ's going on and making Fringe? It's getting to be ridiculous.

My point is that even with the extra free time that a king must enjoy, how will I be able to lead my people and keep up on what my friends are doing via Facebook, find out what Ira Glass finds interesting, see what robots are pissed off at humans and laugh at the drollery of Jon Stewart and Steve Cobert? Plus, I still want to keep playing my electronic music. It's too much!

How do you think the pyramids got built? No TV! No Web 2.0. Can you imagine getting that much work done on a long term project in today's iWorld? Impossible. I'm not saying I want a pyramid built for me, but we could clearly do with a little more focus. (note: instead of a pyramid I want my brian put into a clone body or uploaded into a massive computer network). Don't worry, we didn't develop all these industrial robots so we could have out of work auto workers with nothing to watch on TV. There will be plenty of TV and movies when I'm in charge.

However, what we need to do is consolidate things. Let's face it, did we really need the Cobert Report? The Get Smart movie? NO. It was far better when both Stevens were by Jon's side. Greedy execs figured they could spread things out and make more money, but in the end we're left with watered down crap. (note: I really love both The Daily Show and the Cobert Report) The Matrix ruled, but did we really need both those sequels? NO! Edit out a few hours of pointless fighting and Keanu staring thoughtlessly into space and you'd have one zippy little Matrix 2. Now that I think of it, we could probably take all the good parts of all the Keanu action movies and edit them into a couple of really awesome films. Viya con dios!

Not only will this save the viewer tons of time it'll be fun. Just think, what if you replaced all the slow moving boring stuff from 2001 A Space Odyssey with the cool light saber stuff from The Return of the Jedi? You'd have one amazing movie, that's what. Sorry Ewoks, you're going to get spliced into a Sunday morning religious kid's show. Imagine if you took all the good parts out of all the Hulk movies. You'd have one amazing Chevy truck commercial.

While I'm at it, I'll enact laws limiting the length of an action movie. If you can not tell a Batman story in 90 minutes you have no right to make a Batman movie. Was it my imagination that The Dark Knight actually ended yet kept on going for another hour... and then ended again and sputtered about for a while like turning off a car with crappy gas?

Same holds true for cable TV in general. Now I have 900 channels of... what? Do I really need a dedicated Korean soap opera channel? I'd force cable companies to offer ala carte service so you could pick and choose what you get. Channels (aside from my kingly protected ones) would drop like flies.

I'd also initiate tax incentives for the producers of good TV, books, etc. Get a thumbs up from the king: you're in a lower tax bracket. Make crap and you get a tax penalty. There clearly needs to be some incentive to keep New Line Cinema from making Wedding Crasher's II. This way 98% of the profit of Mamma Mia would end up in the King's coffers!

A lot of consolidation could also happen on the www. If a company comes out with a webpage that's obviously just a flushed out feature, we'd merge them with an appropriate site. I'm looking at you, Twitter. I'm sure we can also merge Fandango, IMDB and

Don't be afraid. It'll seem strange at first, but after a short while you'll really start to appreciate the quality that results when people making media have some incentive to get to the point. You'll love when they stop trying to make ponderous bloated crap designed to appeal to the masses. I have really great taste, you'll see. Yes, you're going to see more movies like American Beauty take place in deep space, but once you see Kate Winslet in a silver space suit, you'll thank me. (note: thanking me will be mandatory.)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm so sorry!

Wow. A few days into Obamatime and already he's apologizing. I'm talking about his apology for nominating Tom Daschle as health and human services secretary.

Pretty amazing, eh? Well, that's one thing you won't have to worry about when I'm king. Apologizing. Yeah, I'll change my mind as my mood suits me, but beyond the occasional "oops" you're not going to hear a lot of sorrys out of me... well, perhaps if I screw things up a lot I may do a mia culpa tour, possibly even appear on Oprah. I don't want a revolt or anything.

Here's how I'd handle the Tom Daschle thing. I'd walk right up to him during his appointment ceremony and say, "What the fuck?" I'd remove one of my gloves and whap him right on the face with it. A light smattering of tar and feathers and out the door he'd go. Have at him public.

His punishment wouldn't be for the false reporting of charitable income. What-ever. Tell me one of you never actually put down that your old hoodies and chipped coffee mugs dropped off at the Salvation Army were worth $500. So he borrowed a car and driver for a bit. Big deal. I don't even think the senate should have to pay to get to and from their homes and DC (note: I'm moving the capital). The bitch slap wouldn't even be for failing to report $80,000 worth of lobbying income. It would be for making money for lobbying AT ALL. My decree of the day is this: WHEN I AM KING ALL THE LOBBYISTS WILL BE EXILED TO ELIZABETH NJ. Not a stiff enough punishment? Go there for a weekend and get back to me. Oh, and no, they would not be able to promote books on The Daily Show.

I understand that in 1780 farmers had to pay someone to hitch up a team of horses and make their way across the great plains to tell their elected officials how things were going and what might be good ideas for making sure things went well in the heartland. But hello people. It's the future. Welcome to the information age! Obama's got a Blackberry. I bet Daschle had an iPhone or two. Regardless, I'm sure our lawmakers have about a billion different ways to get information on how to legislate without having to have a single lobbyist buy them a seventeen thousand dollar dinner or a Swiss watch with a small chalet around it. Enough of it! Why are we pretending that the lobby system is anything other than state sanctioned corruption?

None of this will really matter, as I'll make sure my people are well taken care of and... well as king I'd be beyond corruption anyway. Don't worry, I hate gold and diamonds and aside from an exotic car or two, I'll probably be a bargain as rulers go. That whapping glove? I'll reuse it. No need to waste money every time I need to administer a good whap, and frankly, the feel of a broken in whapping glove.... mmmm. Like buttah.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Let's roll HONDO!

Today I had a great realization! I realized that so many parts of a working infrastructure are “predators” (lie in wait for the time to attack) as opposed to “pray” (||:chew, chew, chew, poop, chew, chew, chew, poop:||). An example of a predator would be firefighter. Patiently wait until a fire happens and then a flurry of activity in a short amount of time. An example of pray would be a street sweeper or soft ice cream maker. While this works for nature, it’s a bit unfair in our brave new world. Sure, I want my firefighter to be well rested for when a fire happens, but does it make sense to pay them to shoot pool and tell fire fighting stories?

But my idea doesn’t actually utilize the fire department. (though, it could…) It involves the S.W.A.T. teams. You know your community must have one, but have you ever seen it? Luckily for you, the need to rappel down the side of a building, smash though a window and sharp shoot some terrorists is a pretty rare one. So they must spend a huge amount of time in those awesome black outfits just waiting for their chance to show how the regular uniformed cops are a bunch of cannon fodder for the bad guys …until Bruce Willis shows up and makes monkeys out of all of them.

So what shall we do with these super cops during their down time? I have a perfect idea. Dog Poop Patrol. S.W.A.T. teams will set up covert ops. in areas like my current neighborhood where people, like the guy this morning walking his unleashed dogs next to my house, let their dogs poop away and never bother to even think about picking up after them. This might seem trivial, but it is literally making our world shitty. When you’re in a shitty world you’re more likely to behave like a shit head, and the cycle of shit continues. We need to nip this one in the ass.

I’m not condoning deadly force (for first infractions at least) by out S.W.A.T. teams, but merely the use of non-lethal weapons like rubber bullets, TASERS and tear gas to resolve this problem. No citations will need to be made, as the moment the dog owner takes a single step away from the package, BAM! He’ll be riddled with welts from the rain of rubber projectiles emanating from our boys in black. No paperwork and an awesome deterrent. Leave the house without a poop bag? Not likely, knowing that the punishment may be you on the business end of a TASER.
So not only will this not cost the tax payers any additional money, as we’re paying the SWAT teams anyway, but an additional benefit will be that S.W.A.T. teams skill set won’t get rusty sitting around the S.W.A.T. station talking about the girls who want to/have had sex with them.

Dog walkers, don’t think you’re safe if you know that Hondo and his S.W.A.T. team is somewhere else in the city. Trust me, you do not want to be opposite a fire hose when that steamer hits the pavement.