Monday, May 24, 2010

Screw you JJ. (Lost spoilers within)

Jennifer and I were pretty mad. After they specifically said it wasn't about purgatory or some idea of heaven and hell... it kind of was. I wanted to though a rock though that multi denomination stain glass window in the final scene. FUCK YOU JJ. Lazy writing. "and the reveal is... it was good and evil!" Really? Is that all you have? The part where Jacob says, "this island is like a cork keeping evil from coming into the world" was literal? It is a cork? All you have to do is shield yourself from electromagnetism and pull the plug to keep evil out of the world and keep Jacob and Smokey immortal? But no mention of why? Do we forget how many people died so that the cork stayed in? What about all the people who didn't survive the initial crash? The second crash? What happened to all the extras?

I had a really good theory. The island was a rift in reality ala "The Scar" in China Mieville's book. Some other dimensional travelers poked though and the result was a rip in our fabric where things got a bit fucked up. Jacob, who was of the race who broke it, was a watchman for the "plug" that kept the rip from getting worse and possibly destroying both dimensions. Smoky was from their side and he realized that he could exploit our world but when he tried he got stopped by Jacob and then trapped in the "hallway" between the two worlds that was the island. It answered all the questions, still had an element of good v. evil and you didn't have to put a single catholic cross or jewish star anywhere in the episode. So that's my rant. They all happily walk into the light is a piss-poor excuse for an ending. Imagine if Mary Taylor Moore had ended that way.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Wrapping up a few things before we start the new year!

So, another year older... another year.... Well. Another year. We had some good times. Didn't we? :cry:

We tackled some pretty lofty goals for this new kingdom. Healthcare, torture, education and the recrapification of Land Of The Lost. Whew! I need a rest! Looks like Obama's dropping the ball on a lot of major stuff. The bloom is off that rose. I'm going to be busy in '10! But before I get on with the new year, I thought I'd visit some of the smaller things. While small, I think with these tweaks things will be even better than ever in Marklandia. Ready? Steady? GO!

1) Ban Crap trucks. Know them? I'm sure you've seen them. Take an 80s model Japanese pickup truck and attach plywood and maybe metal bars to the bed and get it to about 12 ft high. Add crap. Let crap fly out on the highway and cause accidents and basically be a general eye sore. I don't care if you're taking that 2 tons of cardboard to the recycling plant. I'm going to attach a rocket launcher to my Civic and take you out and zoom though your vaporized remains. Oh, and guy on a bike with 6 lawn bags full of empties, you're in my sights too. Believe me, I'm all for recycling but we all know the owners of these vehicles are using the proceeds of their collecting to buy crack and meth.

2) Re-assign parking meter enforcers to confiscate all shopping carts not currently in a parking lot. Arm them with high power stun guns and haz-mat gear. All contents of the renegade carts will become landfill.

3) Trim the amount of live TV channels down to a manageable number, like 20 and make the rest "On Demand." I don't care if I have to conquer a distant land, enslave the people and get them to run fiber optic to every home in the country to do it, but the fact that MTV's got 30 different versions is giving me a headache even though I don't watch it.

4) Outlaw "locked up" items in stores. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent roaming stores looking for the secret clear that has the key to unlock the peg that's got the tooth brush I want on it. The store is now actually stealing my time. I'm not sure what the answer to your shop-lifting problem is, but there's got to be a better answer than to make the item nearly impossible to buy. You too Boarders. I stood waiting for 20 minutes so I could get a $40 box set of DVDs that I'm sure would be nearly impossible to smuggle out of the store without looking like I had a toaster in my pants. Of course, I could have easily snapped up a few $30 blu-ray disks under my shirt and no one would have noticed. Oh, and yes, I went home and ordered what I needed from Amazon. I will shed no tear when you're forced to close your doors do to low sales.

5) ... well that's what I can think of for now. How about you kids? Won't you lend a hand?