Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm so sorry!

Wow. A few days into Obamatime and already he's apologizing. I'm talking about his apology for nominating Tom Daschle as health and human services secretary.


Pretty amazing, eh? Well, that's one thing you won't have to worry about when I'm king. Apologizing. Yeah, I'll change my mind as my mood suits me, but beyond the occasional "oops" you're not going to hear a lot of sorrys out of me... well, perhaps if I screw things up a lot I may do a mia culpa tour, possibly even appear on Oprah. I don't want a revolt or anything.

Here's how I'd handle the Tom Daschle thing. I'd walk right up to him during his appointment ceremony and say, "What the fuck?" I'd remove one of my gloves and whap him right on the face with it. A light smattering of tar and feathers and out the door he'd go. Have at him public.

His punishment wouldn't be for the false reporting of charitable income. What-ever. Tell me one of you never actually put down that your old hoodies and chipped coffee mugs dropped off at the Salvation Army were worth $500. So he borrowed a car and driver for a bit. Big deal. I don't even think the senate should have to pay to get to and from their homes and DC (note: I'm moving the capital). The bitch slap wouldn't even be for failing to report $80,000 worth of lobbying income. It would be for making money for lobbying AT ALL. My decree of the day is this: WHEN I AM KING ALL THE LOBBYISTS WILL BE EXILED TO ELIZABETH NJ. Not a stiff enough punishment? Go there for a weekend and get back to me. Oh, and no, they would not be able to promote books on The Daily Show.

I understand that in 1780 farmers had to pay someone to hitch up a team of horses and make their way across the great plains to tell their elected officials how things were going and what might be good ideas for making sure things went well in the heartland. But hello people. It's the future. Welcome to the information age! Obama's got a Blackberry. I bet Daschle had an iPhone or two. Regardless, I'm sure our lawmakers have about a billion different ways to get information on how to legislate without having to have a single lobbyist buy them a seventeen thousand dollar dinner or a Swiss watch with a small chalet around it. Enough of it! Why are we pretending that the lobby system is anything other than state sanctioned corruption?

None of this will really matter, as I'll make sure my people are well taken care of and... well as king I'd be beyond corruption anyway. Don't worry, I hate gold and diamonds and aside from an exotic car or two, I'll probably be a bargain as rulers go. That whapping glove? I'll reuse it. No need to waste money every time I need to administer a good whap, and frankly, the feel of a broken in whapping glove.... mmmm. Like buttah.

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