Monday, February 2, 2009

Let's roll HONDO!

Today I had a great realization! I realized that so many parts of a working infrastructure are “predators” (lie in wait for the time to attack) as opposed to “pray” (||:chew, chew, chew, poop, chew, chew, chew, poop:||). An example of a predator would be firefighter. Patiently wait until a fire happens and then a flurry of activity in a short amount of time. An example of pray would be a street sweeper or soft ice cream maker. While this works for nature, it’s a bit unfair in our brave new world. Sure, I want my firefighter to be well rested for when a fire happens, but does it make sense to pay them to shoot pool and tell fire fighting stories?

But my idea doesn’t actually utilize the fire department. (though, it could…) It involves the S.W.A.T. teams. You know your community must have one, but have you ever seen it? Luckily for you, the need to rappel down the side of a building, smash though a window and sharp shoot some terrorists is a pretty rare one. So they must spend a huge amount of time in those awesome black outfits just waiting for their chance to show how the regular uniformed cops are a bunch of cannon fodder for the bad guys …until Bruce Willis shows up and makes monkeys out of all of them.

So what shall we do with these super cops during their down time? I have a perfect idea. Dog Poop Patrol. S.W.A.T. teams will set up covert ops. in areas like my current neighborhood where people, like the guy this morning walking his unleashed dogs next to my house, let their dogs poop away and never bother to even think about picking up after them. This might seem trivial, but it is literally making our world shitty. When you’re in a shitty world you’re more likely to behave like a shit head, and the cycle of shit continues. We need to nip this one in the ass.

I’m not condoning deadly force (for first infractions at least) by out S.W.A.T. teams, but merely the use of non-lethal weapons like rubber bullets, TASERS and tear gas to resolve this problem. No citations will need to be made, as the moment the dog owner takes a single step away from the package, BAM! He’ll be riddled with welts from the rain of rubber projectiles emanating from our boys in black. No paperwork and an awesome deterrent. Leave the house without a poop bag? Not likely, knowing that the punishment may be you on the business end of a TASER.
So not only will this not cost the tax payers any additional money, as we’re paying the SWAT teams anyway, but an additional benefit will be that S.W.A.T. teams skill set won’t get rusty sitting around the S.W.A.T. station talking about the girls who want to/have had sex with them.

Dog walkers, don’t think you’re safe if you know that Hondo and his S.W.A.T. team is somewhere else in the city. Trust me, you do not want to be opposite a fire hose when that steamer hits the pavement.

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