Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stop and smell my wrath!

One of my first decrees I'll be making as king will be a simple one, but I hope will have very far reaching effects: GET A MOVE ON! That's right slow people. Your days are numbered. If you're reading this and don't think that you're slow, here are a few simple techniques to see if you have this horrible disorder. Do you often hear the sound of sighs coming from behind you? Are they often accompanied by muttering under breath "Oh... come... on..." Is there someone on the highway behind you that's up your ass with their brights on? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you, in fact, may be slow.

Just stop right there if you're going to tell me I need to slow down and smell the roses. This is precisely why I'm making dawdling and lallygagging and meandering against the law. I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME LEFT TO SMELL ANY FLOWERS BECAUSE I JUST SPENT A HALF HOUR BEHIND YOU AT WALGREENS WHILE YOU PONDERED KOOL MENTHOLS.

This isn't about not taking quality time, this is about putting a little hustle in your step when you are doing horrible mundane things like buying toilet paper and commuting to work. Think about it. We're only here for a short time. The more of it we spend doing fun and relaxing stuff the better. No? Trust me slow people, this is for your own good. You're really not having fun that extra 20 minutes in your car because you're driving 48 mph. Shuffling across a crosswalk like a turtle on methadone can't be something you enjoy devoting time to, yet you do it. Perhaps you're avoiding something you don't like, such as your job. Then think about this: Maybe if you showed up to work a little early and did your work a little quicker, you'd get promoted to a position that's got more pay and vacation time. You might even enjoy the job more!

So, I propose that we stop pulling people over for speeding (unless they're driving like an idiot) and start pulling people over for slowing. Just read that word "slowing." Hurts to say! Regardless if you're in a car or blocking my access to Wired magazine at the book store because you think it's OK to read the entire issue of Ped-a-cute monthly while you stand there, prepare to face stiff fines and jail time if you do not start burning a little flip-flop.

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