Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eight is too much!

One thing that's nice about humans is that crazy and scientist usually don't go together. Hollywood would like you to think that there are a bunch of mad scientist running around, but in truth, it takes a lot of mental rigor to be a good scientist and being bat shit crazy is very detracting.

Trust me, I know.

However, sometimes a perfect storm of retardation happens and the scientist hooks up with the bat shit crazy person.

Hitler had his Dr. Josef Mengele and I guess Suleman has her Dr. Michael Kamrava. You've heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" but then what does it take to raise a village of children? When I do the math the answer I get is a city of people. Suleman is a single mother who's lived on disability since 2004 and already had 6 artificially induced children when she heaped on 8 more. My guess is the city of people she'll need to take care of her 14 children are us.

But surprisingly, I'm not all that mad at Suleman. She's insane and it's really not her fault. Just like I'm mad at the rabies bacteria and not cute little Cujo, I hate the game, not the playah. Who knows what trauma Miss McCrazington went though that made her think it was a good idea to risk her life having 8 embryos implanted.

When I'm king, the moment a woman said, "I haven't been able to keep a long term relationship going and I'm incapable of working, but I'm willing to risk my life to produce octuplets" a 911 call will be made and the proper mental health workers will be deployed.  5150 her ass. Instead we do nothing and instead interview the woman. Now she's a minor celebrity. What about "risk to yourself or others" is unclear to the authorities?  Is everyone asleep?

So, while Suleman was getting the proper healthcare she so desperately needs (not for her back, which was the reason for her disability), Dr. Kamrava will be sentenced to life without parole. The end.  Oh yeah, as part of his life sentence I will have a plastic surgeon implant the total weight of the octuplets (and placenta) into his gut so he will carry that weight for the remainder of his days.   Boobs too.  Big ones.  At least an E cup. If the technology exists they will have milk receptacles installed in them and he will have to nurse any fellow inmate who asks. 

I love science. I love scientists. I will funnel so much money into stem cell research Bush's head will explode (*if he actually cared and wasn't just pandering to religious nut jobs). It would probably even make Obama woosey. I wouldn't stop until there was a bubbling vat full of organs with my DNA in them. There would be no reason that a couple (same sex included) would have to go childless in my kingdom... but if you're a single person on disability for a fake back injury and you think it's a good idea to raise her brood on our dime you will be promptly locked up until a team of board certified psychologists deem you ready to return to society. 

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