Friday, February 6, 2009

Six Million Dollar Man!

When I'm king, I'm pretty sure I'm going to move into the house that they used as Tony Stark's house in Iron Man. I know all the robotics and computer stuff is fake, but I'll have it made for me. I'll spare no expense! We need to start living in the future, god damn it! If it turns out to be impossible, I'll hire a full time person to pretend they're a computer so I can say into any room, "What's the average weight of an Ostrich?" The person, in a secret room somewhere with an Internet connection and a vocoder will reply, "250 standard American Pounds your highness." I'll have the house moved to the San Francisco Bay area. Maybe Marin. Our friends are here. What can I say?

Regardless of where the palace ends up, there sure won't be this <--in front of it This abomination is what's often parked in front of where I live now. Interestingly, it's owned by an adult. Another point of interest is, this adult has 2 of them with slightly different graphics. (one has an evil jester on the tailgate proclaiming that he likes to kill children) The most interesting fact of all is that this adult keeps their normal car in their garage and parks these beauties around the corner from his home next to mine. If you're wondering if I fantasize about using my stomach acid to remove the vinyl graphics by continuously vomiting on these vehicles, the answer is yes, I do every single day of my life. So when I'm king, what shall I do? Well I want to state right off that his has nothing to do with my childhood obsession with the real Lee Majors, aka The Six Million Dollar Man. Nor does it have anything to do with an anti rap music stance. I enjoy a little ol' school Fat Boys or Chuck D. as much as the next guy. What this has to do with is the uglification of our world, and I'm taking a hard stance against it. WHEN I AM KING ALL VEHICLE ADVERTISING OF ANY KIND WILL BE BANNED. I'll only make exceptions for blimps (which are super cool and will be called zeppelins in my kingdom) and small 1"x1" company logos on commercial vehicles.

Places already have regulations about where you can or can't put billboards, why the hell can anyone slap some vinyl covering on their crappy truck and become a billboard that goes anywhere? Does Lee think that someone is going to look at that truck and go run to his myspace page and start listening to his music? Oh shit! I did! Hey Lee: why not put energy in actually getting better at what you do instead of thinking that coating a truck with orange vinyl will bring you some degree of fame?

Trust me, I love a good advertisement. I still quote my favorites from my youth. "Thanks for the gumball Mickey!" But isn't TV, movies (oh wait, I'm going to ban pre movie ads as well), Internet banners, product placement and sport arenas enough? I think YES.

I will also have my scientists create a bionic bigfoot with a good design detection algorithm built in to wander my kingdom and make sure that horrifically ugly graphic design never reaches the public eye. Forget to adjust the kerning on your logotype and you'll find his cybernetic big foot up your ass. Some may say I'm censoring free speech, but so be it. In the end I think we'll all be a lot better off not being reminded how good Red Bull is every time we see a Mini Cooper.


oilySOB said...

Would NASCAR get an exemption?

zerocrossing said...

Yes, but I will force NASCAR to convert all it's vehicles to solar/electric.