Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Love, love, love...

So, yesterday I was listening to the Valentine's Day edition of This American Life. It was super awesome, as usual, regaling me with bittersweet tales of unrequited love, transgendered children and the grim reality that no matter how your love starts, sometimes is is going to be a grind. I felt super good about myself afterward as I am deeply in love with your queen to be, and she loves me. Our relationship is in no way a grind and we're both firmly heterosexual... well except my wife watches the L Word with an interest that I reserve for shows that depict robots taking their revenge on mankind. I think I have a fairly good chance that my queen-to-be will not become a lesbian and my Roomba won't go on a murderous rage and try and kill me. (even though both of those things are kind of hot)

Anyway, we had an awesome Valentine's day. Not the kind of text book perfect Valentine's day depicted on the front of Hallmark cards, but actually a lot better. I got a homemade card with a robot and Cake tickets! We celebrated our good friend's birthday at a really good mexican restaurant and even got to be a witness of the family type of love that's equally important in the whole Valentine's Day scheme. It was a day of LOVE!

This is why when I'm king I will be banning Valentine's Day.

Yup. BANNED. Why? Because Valentine's is really a horrible holiday. Every other holiday is for anyone who drinks the Kool-Aid. Want presents under a tree? Just say you believe that a woman got knocked up without ever having sex. Want a Chocolate Bunny? Just believe that woman's child got killed and then rose from the dead a few days later. Want presents for 8 solid days? Believe that child never really existed. Easy!

But Valentine's day is totally different. You can 100% believe in love and have absolutly no one give you a card or box of See's Candy. You can want to be loved more than anything else and not have a single person give you one of those Nekko hearts that says, "Hubba Hubba." It plain and simply just is not fair. Yes, I had a great Valentine's day THIS TIME, but what about the time I got my kindergarten sweet-heart as special card (all the other kids got the standard generic bulk pack cards) only to get NOTHING back from her? What about the next 12 Valentine's days, where you might as well have just mailed me a card that said, "You're unloveable zitface." What kind of a crappy holiday is this? The only people who really are guarenteed to have a good Valentine's day are the florests.

You're probably thinking, "But king Mark, will your kingdom be one without love, as if based on a Tim Burton movie?" NO! My kingdom will be all about love! Public schools will all have condom machines in every classroom! Religioius bigotry will be banned so all people can enjoy relationships regardless of race, or sexual orientation. It's going to be great...

...maybe I won't have to ban Valentine's say. Maybe I can go another route. Make it more like Christmas with days off and presents. Tell children that Cupid will come and shoot them with magic arrows and other such tales. Make it a holiday where public kissing is all the rage (unless you're having a herpies outbreak) A parade where porn stars ride on floats naked! This way, even if you don't have a romantic love going on, at least you'll have a day off with free porn, and that's something.

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