I swear to god!

The phrase "I swear to god" was spoken quite frequently when I was a young lad, by both me and my pals. Usually it was right before or after some bold faced lie. "I swear to god, I jumped off my garage roof and didn't get hurt at all!" or "I have every single Micronauts figure, I swear to god!" Basically it was something we said as a kind of hyperbole helper. I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS THE BEST!"

That's why when I listed to Obama take office this morning I cringed when they got into the god talk. It really doesn't mean anything, does it? I don't know why but I get scared when anyone who believes in a higher power that is known for things like starting over with a giant flood and telling a guy to kill his son to see if he's really into him. I cringe when at the core of their believe a simple "I forgive you" gets rid of most horrible crimes. Not that I actually believe that Obama believes one word of it. Just like the guy he's replacing I think that most god talk is really just pandering to old people who are really terrified of a point where they become nothing.

But it got me thinking. When I'm sworn in, er, I mean coronated, how's it going to go down? More importantly who's going to be the entertainment? I love music but I'm pretty sure that I won't let Springsteen near my ceremony. He grew up a few miles down the highway from where I live and every time I hear him drawl in that heartland affect I want to scream, "BRUCE YOU'RE FROM NEW JERSEY!" How did he get accepted as a representative of the fruited plains? Asbury park is not known for it's farm community.

So, here's what I'm thinking. The festivities start with Led Zeppelin doing "Kashmir." The audience waits with baited breath. "Where's king Mark?" they'll say. On stage will be a crazy device and I will be revealed like this along with Kanye and Daft Punkt performing this song as I come out of the machine. I'm then joined by my Queen. She'll have my scepter and give it to me and we will both approach the podium. I will then make a speech about how the time has come to stop being jerks and now start being a nation of cool people. WWFD? (What would Fonzie do?) I will not mention god and as a matter of fact I'll take a the books of all the major religions (don't think I'll forget you Dienetics!) and put them in a pile and have two Dr. Evil LASERS torch them. I'll even get Mike Myers to do the honors. At that point I'll walk over to Steven Hawkins and hold his arm up like a paraplegic price fighter and yell "WHO DA MAN? HAWKINS!" Planes will fly by spewing fireworks and R2D2 and C-3PO will join us on stage as Carrie Fisher puts a medal around my neck for delivering my people from darkness.

At that point the crowd will go crazy and the most amazing LASER light show ever will commence (Using the smoke from the fireworks. I saw it at EPCOT center once and it was really cool) Then Prince and the Revolution will be revealed doing "Sexy Motherfucker" as the party continues. Eventually a helicopter will come and the queen and I will be taken to our volcanic lair.