Thursday, January 29, 2009

Look at my circumstance.. and the bulge in my big, big big...

When I am king I shall dismantle all the Walmarts, Costcos and the like. Why? They're too big. As far as I can see they just encourage you to buy way more than you need. I'll always remember the glazed over look of joy on the Queen to be's face when she walked toward me with a pallet of strawberries big enough to feed a small battalion. She swore we'd use them all... mumbled something about smoothies and started to swoon. It was too much for her. I had to rip the pallet of strawberries out of her trembling hands and put it down. I lovingly stroked her sweaty brow as she shivered "Mark... is that you? I'm... so cold""- the loss of potential smoothies was devastating.

I admit it! I wanted them too! I don't even like strawberries that much!

The truth is there was no way we could get though even 2 of them before they became a pile of mold. I'm not even sure we could have fit them in our fridge. Yet she wanted them so bad. They were such a good price. Same thing could be said about all the items at the Costco. Toilet paper, razors... TVs... All so big... and cheap...


Well first we'd have to get a bigger fridge to store the strawberries. I place with bigger closets to house the toilet paper bargains and of course, we'd need nothing smaller than a Lincoln Navigator to get it all home. Better have some more kids to help use up all those bargains. They won't cost much to feed at those prices!

I've heard that buying in bulk is environmental as you spend less money in gas making small trips, but as far as I can tell it's at least 3 miles from the end of the parking lot to the store entrance of an average Costco. With the gas mileage of your SUV that's going to cost you. Let's not even talk about the average length of the check out line. I'm sure one could be seen from space if it weren't for the roof.

What I'm proposing (woops, I mean decreeing!) is that we have many smaller shops. Maybe a few in each neighborhood. You could go there more often for smaller loads of just what you need. This may seem a waste of time, but guess what? You could walk there! You could cancel your gym membership because your workout would be to actually mimic what we're designed to do: Hunt and gather. You'll save money not having to pay that Bally's membership! Then something else will happen. You'll meet up with other people in your neighborhood and you'll start to become a community. Look at me! Bringing the people of my kingdom together! It's getting so god damn touchy feely I think I'm going to cry.

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