Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Slumdog divorce.

(Warning: may contain minor spoilers)

So, this morning I was listening to even more buzz about the runaway hit "Slumdog Millionaire." Yes it is a good film.  I get it. I totally enjoyed it and even appreciated the poop scene. It reminded me of the time my foot slipped into our toilet when I was using it to get a boost to get something I couldn't reach from our medicine cabinet... except a billion times worse. Any tale of orphaned kids is bound to squeeze a tear out of me and Slumdog does not disappoint. Maybe it's because I was replaced for the role of Oliver because my 4th grade play director thought, "I was a little too well fed to make a believable orphan." Fuck you Mrs. Satkowski, do you think the audience believed my performance as a keystone cop?

But what bothered me about Slumdog Millionaire wasn't the rags to riches story. It was the story of how true love will prevail though almost anything... true love that starts when you're five years old!

When I was 5 I thought it would be a good idea if I'd marry a girl named Jill. She gave me a puppy! I guess that's why they call it puppy love.  We were going to become veterinarians together. We'd ride to work on the horse her dad got her. To make extra cash to buy robot friends/servants I'd captain the Starship Enterprise on the weekend.

Good thing she could not have cared less about me! Don't worry, I got over it.  Plus, there's no way I was going to tear myself off the Enterprise to prescribe laxatives to kittens! Who was I kidding? Alas, it wasn't love but only unrequited infatuation.  Imagine for a second if when you were 19 someone from your kindergarten (or orphanage) came up to you and declared their undying love for you.  Creepy, eh?

This is what leads me to my decree of the day: There will be a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire called Slumdog Divorce. It will show how much they had both changed over the years and how little they were like the 5 year old orphans they once were. It'll have scenes where he realizes he hates the TV shows she loves and how she can't stand how he chews with his mouth open and they both hate each other's friends. He enjoys being the recipient of scat based love, while she's in to the rough trade. Their relationship does not work. However, there will be a happy ending in this movie.  We'll have it flash forward a few years to show him graduating college and finding a woman who he loves and has a lot in common with.  They'll wait a few years to have children because they want to enjoy each other for a while and get careers going before becoming parents.  The girl?  She realizes she's a lesbian and her and her life partner open up a mobile dog grooming business in Beverly Hills.  There will be a cameo with Paris Hilton's dog.

While it may not end up being box office gold like the original, it doesn't matter.  Sequels always suck anyway.  I'm the king!  I DECREE IT!

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