Monday, January 19, 2009

Woebegone: GONE!

I love talk radio. I don't know why but I just do. It's like you're always around some people chatting about something. Even if you don't care about what they're talking about it feels comforting to me, like I'm really not horribly alone with my own thoughts. Those rascally thoughts just love to push me into a lovely panic attack! Maybe it's that it's easier for me to hear that people are thinking and talking about problems like the economy, the war in Iraq, or Arty Lange's heroin addiction than to know it's happening and let me think that somehow I have to think about how to fix it. Maybe it's to distract me from the terrible secret.

However, there's one thing I'm going to have to do when I become KING. It's going to be one of the kind of arbitrary things I do... that I have to do, to keep people on their toes. That thing is that I'm going to take Garrison Keillor and his Prairie Home Companion off the radio waves forever. You'll still be able to download it via podcast or go see it live, but I'm done with having that guy take over my NPR for hours and hours each weekend with is annoying drone, retarded stories about small town wisdom and music that sucked when it was first popular in the 1800s. I'M SICK OF IT. How the hell are we going to reach the future if we still have this sick fondness for a past that for the most part really sucked. Oh, and while I'm at it, Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me will also be getting the axe. Sorry, I can't take that smug drollery and frankly I just end up feeling stupid at the 3 minute mark.

You, one of my future loyal subjects, may be asking, "Well what will take their place?" Easy. I'll take Howard Stern off satellite radio and put him and his show just as it is on NPR. The line up will kind of go Fresh Air/Howard Stern/This American Life/Adam Carolla. I think with this line up we'll finally be able to offer the public a truly balanced view of the world and the part my kingdom will play in it.


Jfray said...

When you are king...I suppose I am going to be queen...So when I'm queen, "Soup-at-Hand" is OUT ( This product doesn't need to exist. Maybe you can expand on one of the many reasons for that.

zerocrossing said...

I'm not sure if Soup-At-Hand is any worse than horrible wasteful packaging that a billion other products currently share, but I think it's a topic that we should address at once! Send for my scribe!