Friday, January 23, 2009

I'll know Kung-fu!

YAY! :

I've been angry for a long time that we're not already cloning people to use as spare body parts ala The Island. How much longer will I have to wait for my stem cell scalp replacement? I had a helluva head of hair as a young man and if we don't get down to business things might get pretty bad for your king. Having seen my sister after she shaved her head, my guess is that I also share the gene for bad heads for being bald, unlike:

I know, but are you surprised that a guy who's planning his reign as king while in real life doesn't even have many friends is a vain guy? Don't worry, I'm hoping for all the major organs to be replaced at some point. For as much as life pisses me off, I do like it. In fact, it's one of my favorite things.

You're probably thinking, "But King Mark, what about your stance on court ordered birth control and limiting the population? Won't this life extension technology create too many people?" Good point. Well first of all, I'm king, god damn it. So suck it. But for my subjects, here's how it will work. If you've had your allotment of kids, we'll keep you at 100% as long as you can afford it, but as soon as you hit your natural life expediency we'll be pulling a Logan's Run on you complete with white tunic. Sorry. This will change if you're super smart and useful to society or if you make music I really like. Hear that Brian Eno? You'll live forever! Jonas Brothers... sorry! Unless you can prove you've never procreated. If you can keep it in your pants then you'll get that extra lifetime. My guess is the Jonas Brothers probably are already responsible for a few kids. Oh those rock tours!

I'm sure this will create all sorts of issues and lead to the collapse of civilization as we know it, but by then I hope we can all just download our consciousnesses ( into vast computer systems and then it won't matter. Then we can all be in the Matrix and wear super cool clothes and do kung-fu. When that technology happens I shall leave my administrative chambers every day by starting a car chase out of the parking garage. At some point I will drive off the side of it, flying across the street and into another parking garage. Woah.

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