TEA TAX MY BUTT

I know I've been making a lot of decrees (or precrees?) and some of you are asking, "How will you pay for all of it King Mark?" With taxes, of course! LOTS OF THEM! Today Obama said he was going to stand by his promise on tax rebates on all Americans. Screw that. Under my rule you'll pay, pay a lot and like it. Why? Because unlike Democracy and all it's silly little bickering, the money you'll pay to me will get you some good crap. Universal health care, day care for kids, great schools, THE WORKS! Nothing is too good for my kingdom!

Yeah, you're probably thinking I'm just going to spend it on fancy bejeweled pants and a working C-3P0... and you'd be right. But just maybe... I won't have to collect a lot in taxes at all! What if I cut some crap that's doing nothing? First let's start with where I can trim some fat.

1) End the War On Drugs. What the hell is this about? Has anything changed since this war started? Instead of a war, I'll do actual police enforcement of crime's that have victims. Sit in your house doing meth until your teeth fall out? Have at it, just don't take Mrs. Magilacutty's purse to fund it. With meth legal it'll probably be cheap enough to do enough to kill yourself before you can make it over to her place anyway. The artificially high cost is just making it harder for people to kill themselves. Pot? Please. Unless someone can convince me that it's a crime to eat an entire box of Ho-hos, I don't want to hear it. All drugs will be legal to people over the age of 18, and for the more dangerous ones like PCP, they'll be special theme parks you can do it in. Pay no mind to what they're carting out in those trucks heading for the Soylent Green factories. With all the money we save on not fighting this fake war and the tax revenue from the sale of legal drugs I shall pave the roads with SOLID GOLD. Fuck that. Gold mining really fucks up the world and people. I'll PAVE THE ROADS. That's it. Imagine driving on a nicely paved Rt 880?

War On Terror. Over. My bombers will fly over all the Arab countries and drop billions of recycled Playboy magazines. You know you have a create of them somewhere that you're not using since the internet was invented. Give 'm up! They're angry at us because they're jealous of our porn! To those porn drops I'll add packets of water soluble lube, condoms, pot and rice crispy treats. Trust me, those terrorists will be as docile as Scandinavians when I'm done with them. All without a single drop of blood spilled.

Mandatory schools: OVER. Go if you want. I'll still have a free public school system but it will focus on people who want to be there, and by that I mean parents who want their kids to be educated. Since the others are going to end up in the Great Flags Meth Park why waste time and money educating them? With the money I save I will give every child a Nintendo DS! Only if they keep their grades above a C though. Our kids will come out so smart that India and Korea will be shocked. The technology they build will finally make our dreams of flying cars a reality.

So those will be my major spending cuts. I hope they'll be enough so we don't have to raise taxes too high... oh right, since taxes are a percentage of income then if you make a lot then you're rich already! WIN! If one company here give me some lip about not being able to provide health insurance or decent wages to it's employees as it's execs are flying around in private jets I'll take said execs and spank them publicly. Pants down on their driveway in front of all the neighbors. Because that is how it happened to me. I'm not even sure why I pulled that family's hedges out.