Friday, March 20, 2009

Smell ya later Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp!

So, I'm checking out my pal (one day in charge of my kingdom's press core) Jon the other day and he had a little commentary about the mass infestation of pythons due to the proliferation of escaped pets in Florida.

Well well well, don't think I'll be forgetting that when I am king, little Florida. Don't think I won't revoke your statehood and give it to Purto Rico, because I will. But this debacle points to a bigger problem facing my kingdom-to-be. That problem is white trash ass holes who think wild animals make great pets. You know the people I'm talking about. They're the ones who go to street fairs with snakes draped around their unshirted shoulders. You can see them gloating about how cool they think their snake looks against their barbed-wire-arm-band tattoo. Well poser jerk-off-white-trash dude, you're days as wildlife tormentor will be over as soon as I'm in power. ENOUGH.

...and if you bird people are snickering at the snake dudes, you can wipe that smile right off your face. Birds too will be illegal in my regime. As a matter of fact, I am making a decree:

If an animal can, and would rather live in the wild, it will be illegal to keep it as a pet.

Hear this crazy chimp owners: you won't be grandfathered in either, even though I enjoyed many episodes of Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp. I will have teams of animal protection people patrolling the land making sure your cute little chimp won't have a chance to rip your friend's face off.

Yes, this will have far reaching implications. It will include hamsters, fish, lizards, ferrets... the whole shebang. I'm not sure what we'll do with all the reclaimed critters, but I'm toying around with tasking the royal chefs to get working on some new dishes. Does ferret taste like chicken? We'll find out! Oh and people who think it's weird to eat a ferret but not a cow or chicken, what are you thinking? They somehow have better souls or something? Zoos could be another possibility, but I'm not sure how much draw a hamster exhibit will have. I guess if you had a cage with a couple of thousand gerbils in it that could be interesting to see. It may just be better to keep the snakes in the zoo and use the rodents and birds as food for the snakes, since that's how it's all set up to work in the first place. Can you neuter a snake? Eventually they'll die of old age or something, I'm sure... OR AM I?

Sure, some will call me a monster for separating loving pets from their owners, but guess what? Your pets hate you. You know how you can tell? YOU KEEP THEM IN A CAGE. I know my dog loves us because she won't even wander too far when she's off leash at a dog park. My cat wants out, but she'd be just as happy to have the birds she sees outside come in. Plus there are TONS of perfectly great dogs and cats wasting away in shelters. They're being denied a home because you think a python is a better pet?

P.S. Buzzy, if you're reading this don't worry, when I put a wall around Florida and turn it into a penile colony I'll give you ample notice.

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