Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Get your whites quieter!

OK, the queen to be made a great point last night and, although it may seem small, I'm going to devote a single post just to it.

When I am king commercials will be at a lower volume than the show it's being shown in or before.

While that may not seem like something worth lifting a decree finger for, I say nay, it is perhaps going to lead to one of the most important quality of life improvements we've seen since microwavable mini pizzas (and yes, I'm talking about the ones with the silvery cardboard part that make it vaguely crispy).

How much of my precious hearing have I lost due to blaring commercials telling me the government has tons of grant money waiting for me? When will the callus on my remote control thumb go away from frantically lunging for the mute button after Hurley looks intensely distressed about something? It's fucking ridiculous. The FCC is supposed to be protecting us from things and we've got iron clad protection against seeing a iron clad nipple, yet they're OK with the equivalent of someone jumping out from behind your couch with a bull horn yelling at you about how cool everything is at Target. Which causes more damage?

So.. when I am king I will have no greater fun than dismantling the retarded FCC. It will be mandatory for shows to contain nudity and cursing after 10:00 PM. Satellite radio will be subsidized and will be known as "Adult Radio" where as what they're calling terrestrial radio now will be called "Simpleton radio." and will more or less stay like it is. More importantly all of it will have nice and quiet commercials. Oh yeah, and NPR will get all the money they need because if I ever hear another pledge drive again I'm going to have a stroke.

What's the matter? Afraid your kid is going to break into your satellite radio and hear Howard Stern taking about High Pitch Eric getting teabagged? Tough shit. Do a better job of parenting, because I am not your kid's parent. I'm their king.

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