Monday, October 12, 2009
Path to the Dark Side.
Well, it's close to Halloween and yet again half of me wants to do something cool like build a Half Life 2 safety suit and be Gordon Freeman, and half of me could not care less about the holiday at all. OK, it's more like 60% of me not giving a shit, and that is why I end up doing pretty much nothing. Also, I know that it will be another year of disappointment as I rediscover that candy corn's stripes are all the same flavor.
Maybe it's because deep down I know that Halloween is a holiday for people who are too wimpy to be what they want to be all year round. A fake light saber and tunic do not make you a Jedi. Waiting at a traffic light and using your mind to make the light turn green quicker is what makes you a Jedi. You don't have to wait until October 31st for this. You can do it every day. I do! Can you imagine how much better everything would be if "sexy nurse" was something women (and I guess men) could dress like every day? How much easier life would be if the criminally insane wore hockey masks at times other than when playing hockey?
Now the goths kind of get this, and I applaud them. Sure, Hot Topic starts advertising their stuff as "costumes" some autumn, but let's face it. We all know the store is exactly the same on November first minus the Halloween Sale signs. OK, maybe they put their fake fangs away for the rest of the year, but I bet they leave a few out all the time. Don't fool yourself Goths, we all know you play Sookie/Bill all year round. (In bed.)
Another aspect of the holiday that bums me out is the emphasis on quantity and not the quality of the treat. Pink and yellow sugar dots on a strip of wax paper? What? Did we lose a war? Oh right, we did, but still... Even your store bought name brand stuff like Snickers is really just crap. Wouldn't you want a nice home made brownie instead of a bag full of crap? Oh, and you apple/toothbrush givers, I have one thing to say to you. Fuck you. When I am king they'll be a special holiday called St. Lame-o day where you can give out things that are good for people.
So, when I am king, this is how it will go. There will be no store bought costumes of any kind. That kind of misses the point, doesn't it? A rayon smock with the name and picture of your favorite Transformer on it is really just a way of saying, "My parents don't care about me." You're not fooling anyone. Go out and make your own costume. It's not that hard. Some green tights, a feather in your hat, compound bow and viola: you're Robin Hood. Get a bathrobe a white wig, broom handle and you're Gandalf. This goes for the wealthy too. Yeah, your dad owns most of Microsoft and got you an original Banana Splits costume. Screw you.
Also wandering around asking for things is begging and that's a slippery slope to socialism. So none of that. Families will be required to make their own treats. If you can't get a box of Quaker Oats, a pound of sugar and some butter and make an Oatmeal cookie than you're not fit for life anyway. They'll be festivals in local parks for people to show off their costumes where people with good costumes will get high praise and people dressed as hobos will be spanked while in a stockade.
But here's the good part. People who make the finals will get the most wondrous prize of all: A license to wear their costume all year round when ever they feel like it. Can you imagine the awesomeness of this world? The Grand Prize winners? Traffic lights will be programmed to change to green when they're in front of one. That is how it will be when I am king.